I’ve been feeling this urge to clean things out and I’m not sure why. I think it’s something that naturally happens when I want to make a change. Or maybe it’s something that naturally happens when change happens to me.
On Christmas Eve 2016, Chippy died peacefully in my arms. Chippy was one of two cocker spaniels that have been my constant companions. Prissy died the day after Thanksgiving in 2015. I guess Chippy wanted his own holiday. He was one month shy of his 15th birthday, and his passing marked the end of an era for me. Fifteen years of life. The fifteen years that I spent coming home to who I am. Prissy and Chippy were my guardians, my companions on a journey through 6 houses, 5 girlfriends (at least), 4 jobs, 3 cars (and a truck), 2 churches in 2 cities, and 1 very long “walk-about.” Saying goodbye to them felt like saying goodbye to the unconditional support I’ve had along the way. It’s created a bit of unsteadiness in me. With this writing, I honor and acknowledge the loss I feel. I honor and acknowledge the gift of strength and joy they brought into my life. I give thanks to the Creator who so wisely brought them into my life at the perfect time… and allowed their passing at the perfect time.
And now, I stand here without them, without their silly, joyful, demanding, and often annoying ways. Without their hair, and barks, and jumping, and need for attention. Without their unfailing love for my arrival home.
So now, I feel the need to clear things out. I’m creating a visible, palatable change in my environment. Life is different without them here. Purification. There is more quiet in my mornings for meditation and writing. Purification. Sometimes, I hold on to thoughts and sadness as if to let them know they will always be remembered, but those thoughts and feelings are heavy. I need to let go. Purification. I am finding a new balance. I am creating space for the new. And through purifying tears, I know new will come with joy, and my capacity to receive new joy has been created by the space they created in my heart.
Goodbye my loves, and thank you from the depths of my heart.
